Man. Where do I even begin?
This years gone by so fast and yet… It feels like its taken an eternity to dredge on.
Yeah, a lot of people have said that about this year but… For me? My lifes so god damn different from how this year began.
I was still living in that townhouse, in my own personal space in the basement. I was still taking my Niche Class for SQL, enjoying those cold dark night time drives home every Saturday… I was still in college, hell I was just about mentally ready to take my last semester. I was also discovering myself sex-wise and doing all the stuff i was doing with that too. I… Was still reeling from that big fight with Red. From both the loss and the mistakes and issues i had within myself that I had and did face head on, on my own.
The Down Time, Ive been calling it whenever its crossed my mind or I have to refer to it. It… was difficult, and depressing, and… Lonely.
And then we… just sort of found ourselves making up, grown and learned, the both of us a lot more mature. Then shit hit the fan at home, and the Cunt-Aunt who essentially strong armed/kicked us out of our home. God… The buildup and stress and pain from that… Even now, what feels like years later, I still get angry at just the thought of that bruja and that side of what used to be family.
Then there was the move, away from independence, away from stability, and… back into a cramped apartment with my family… And then I fucking graduated. Out of nowhere, I get a letter in mail (which my mom saw first then texted me about). Hahahaha, I still remember being right next to Red when I got the text, I remember how I was so happy I picked her up and spun her… After a whole month of fighting the college to get my financial aid processed, suddenly it didnt matter anymore… It was bittersweet anticlimactically picking up my diploma.
But I still did. Despite all of that confusing bullshit, I fucking graduated.
Then I went to El Salvador, to visit my Mother’s home land and town, Gotera. I stayed there a week with my Grandparents and Aunts/Uncles. It… Was amazing seeing how they lived and how life was like there. Seeing how everyone knew my Grandpa and getting to submerge myself in the culture my mother grew up in, where I came from. And meeting Magi the Cat over there and fully getting over my fear of cats because of that she-cat. And then being away from everything, from everyone, made me just… value all of them so much more.
Then came the last quarter of the year. Work was slowly increasing in my hours. I was getting antsy, we were just starting to settle into our apartment but I wasnt happy… I started to hate my job. Looking back… I guess I knew I was on a timer for what was going to happen next, and I was just subconsciously anxious for it to happen already.
I matured a lot more, got a lot more closer with Red, the gears in the natural clock of the world were turning and I could feel it within my soul that things were changing, that I was changing, that I needed change. And once my workload increased to the point of working 50+ hours a week at Dunkin, I finally found a new job. A better job. And then… Its as if I finally cashed in the skill points for my growth. I got a lot more confident, more secure with my acknowledgement that I wanted, no, needed change and independence. And that confidence is still paying off, like watching a fire catch a new piece of tinder and firewood and seeing the flames slowly grow and expand. And now…
Here we are. On the cusp of a new year.
The first half was painful. But I grew.
The second half was a boiling point. And I exploded in growth.
Theres just so much that happened this year, both good and bad. And I just have to ask myself the two everlasting questions I will always ask myself.
Did you keep moving forward?
Did you become… “okay”?
And to those, Id like to say…
Yeah. Despite everything.
I did.
Onto the next year.
